Not important how many months pregnant you are

A friend told me how she had lost two babies, one at only one month and the second at three months. Because her life situations were so different around each pregnancy her healing was different. It took her 2 years to heal after her first loss. She had friends and family to support her for her second loss and so recovered much faster. So we can't assume a short pregnancy is easier to recover from. Please no matter how long or how short your pregnancy was feel free to write your story if you need to.

Is There a Right Way To Grieve?

No, there is really no right or wrong way to grieve. Each person does it in their own way. Plus there is no real time frame for bereavement. For some women, they may grieve along with their partners while others need to find a friend or counselor to share their sorrow with. Don’t be surprised if your own mother does not really understand your pain, especially if she has never experienced the loss of a baby. Weathering this storm alone can make your road to recovery long and very lonely if you have no one to give you an empathetic ear. Friends may not know what to say or perhaps will offer you their sympathy but quickly change the subject. They fear that your pain will stir up their own pain so they will push you away at arm’s length.

There is a rainbow after such a horrific clash of birth and death. Recovery and rebalance will occur. Let me share my road to recovery. For me writing my story down in longhand, letting each and every feeling surface, reliving the whole event, expressing my anger to whoever and putting this all down on paper meant I had gotten it out of my system for that day. I wrote tirelessly not caring about my spelling let alone my grammar or the profanity used. This writing was for no one else to read and I certainly did not read it again, in fact I tore the paper up and threw it away. Each morning I had to almost force myself to do this exercise but I soon found that it got easier. Flushing out all the confusion, anger, “what if?” questions that were going on in my head actually left me feeling better. Slowly the crazy storm within changed to what eventually became a ray of sunlight. I felt there was hope.

I invite you to do same or to find something similar that works for you. Pick up a pencil and draw what you are feeling. Don’t draw realistically, but instead do an abstract drawing. Again in this way you are getting your feelings up and out on paper, but holding onto them.

Walking, swimming or hiking, especially in nature, can be very helpful. Water is cleansing. If you are close to the ocean go swimming.

We know too that telling our stories can be helpful. Please let us hear your story for others to read. You will be reaching out helping a fellow friend heal during her loss as well as assisting yourself along your journey. Sharing is about caring for yourself and others. We are all here feeling each other’s pain and trying to find peace and tranquility. In sharing we are made aware that we are not alone on this unchartered wild ride through pain and suffering. And in the end there will be normality.

Phateka's Story

Phateka was 30 weeks pregnant when her world fell apart. She lost her baby. There were no medical reasons why he had died. The weeks that followed were filled with deep sadness, anger to all other mothers carrying babies, fear of getting pregnant again, fear that something was wrong with her.

Phateka wasn’t able to sleep and when she did fall asleep she had bad dreams. She noticed she was eating a lot trying to take her pain and suffering away.

No one understood how she felt, not even her mother. She felt very alone and she was sinking into a deep dark hole.

Just when things were really bad she received a SMS from a woman who was unaware of her loss, asking for help. Phateka liked this lady so said, “Yes! She would help.” She felt a little uplifted by someone needing her. As if the big black cloud over her had lifted a wee bit. This was her first day leaving her house after a week. The sun felt good on back as she walked to the old lady’s home.

After moving the lady’s furniture around her house to make room for a family member coming to stay, the lady asked Phateka why she looked so sad. Phateka hesitated at first, but feeling safe, she slowly told her story. Sharing her story and truly being listened to, she felt the black heavy cloud starting to lift even more.

Her friend then told her she had also lost a newborn when she was young. She had experienced the same feelings and what had helped her to recover was looking at the flowers. She realized that the flowers were as perfect as her little girl who had died two hours after her birth. To this very day when she looks at a flower she remembers her. The old woman said it was their way of sharing their love with each other, even though this happened 26 years ago.

That night Phateka was able to fall asleep easily. The next morning it felt like the sun was shining everywhere. She decided that she was going to help others in honor of her little boy whose life was too short, but who loved his mommy and who helped her to reach out and help others in need.

You will have a day filled with sunshine. Allow yourself to feel all the feelings -  this is normal. Be patient with yourself and partner; cry all the tears which will help wash the pain away. There will be a time when you too can find that flower or person willing to listen. Perhaps write a letter to your baby telling him or her how you feel. Start a garden, anything in honor of your child. In so doing then your baby’s life is never really lost. This is a very intimate relationship between you and your baby. Respect and trust - you will heal and find hope.

How You Might Be Feeling...

The clash between creating (birth) and destruction (death) in a single moment – along with the confusion of no life between these two points can be devastating. During grieving all kinds of feelings can be experienced. Some of the obvious feelings are the following - these may be felt in any order:

DEPRESSION

You may not feel like getting up in the morning. Falling asleep and staying asleep may be hard, along with strange dreams. Not wanting to eat or socialize.

ANGER                       

Angry at the doctors, your partner, yourself, even God. You may ask yourself, “Why me?” “Am I being punished?”

POWERLESS           

You could not do anything to save your baby.

BLAME                       

“Why didn’t I listen.... or do this or do that?” “Why did my body fail me?” Self-blame, or blaming the hospital staff or your partner.

LOSS

Not only losing your infant but, also the loss of your expectations and a future together.

FEAR                       

Fear that there is something wrong with you. Fear that if you truly let go and feel your pain you will explode and go crazy. Fear that if you get pregnant again you will repeat this terrible experience of loss, pain and suffering.