Overseas

Yes, I have been away for a while. Fortunately a dear friend was able to continue with the support program during my absence. And I am very grateful to her.
While I was away I continued to hold all those you had lost infants close to my heart asking for healing and recovery.
It is good being back here in Cape Town again and have already started working at the hospital. As I get back into the swing of things I will be posting more blogs.
Please remember if you wish to attend our support meetings at Mowbray Maternity Hospital at 11.00 every third Wednesday of the month you are more than welcome. The group is open to anyone suffering the loss of a stillbirth.

GIVING to help HEALING

Giving something as small as a smile to a passing stranger may gently ease your pain. I have noticed for myself while experiencing the suffering and turmoil if I can somehow dig a little deeper and try to figure out where I can give of my time or love to another there has been a shift in my pain.

Some mothers have felt the need to donate their breast milk in honor of their baby they have just lost. In doing this they have felt it was not all in vain, knowing they have saved another little one who needed milk.

I have been kangaroo nursing a wee infant whose birth weight was only 790 grams and whose mother is not around. While I have sat there with this baby I have wondered about all the mothers have been donating their breast milk. How fortunate for this baby to be receiving the best of the best - breast milk. How grateful I and this baby are for milkmatters.org who have kept up a constant flow of milk coming. I am happy to report that now at 66 days this little one is weighing 1200 grams.

Support meeting this month

Please remember we are having a support meeting for all those who are suffering the loss. It will be at Mowbray Maternity Hospital on Wed 18th April at 00.11. Part of your healing is loving yourself and joining us. May you and all be showered with peace and love

Older children suffering the loss.

Young children under the age of seven or so are very open and sensitive to their environment and may even see auras. (different colors around people) So be open and listen to your youngster when he may say that he “saw” the baby who passed. Children also have wonderful imaginations and may create a game involving the deceased sibling. I suggest not encouraging it but rather leave it as is because this may be the child’s way of dealing with their loss. You may ask your child to tell you about the game if you wish.

For older kids they may be confused as what to do or how to feel. And they will turn to you for answers and as a role model. As a parent who is already grieving and suffering it will be hard to be fully present for others. I suggest being natural, letting the tears flow and talking about your sadness to help the older child. I am always in favor of asking the child to draw. You can do this with your child. Draw what you are feeling, draw the family, draw where you think your baby is resting. After drawing ask your child to explain his or her picture. In this way you will get a better idea of how your child is coping. Remember to share your drawing as well. Better still, do this as a family activity, all sharing your thoughts and feelings amongst one another.

A young ten year who is trying to get a grip of death, dying, funerals etc. may throw you off guard and ask if there is going to be a funeral even though the fetus is only 12 weeks or less.

There may be some families where there are young adult children. Young men may look at their fathers for guidance as to how to deal with this loss. Young adult girls who are starting to think about being mothers themselves may really struggle. Being open, talking and sharing whatever feelings come up can be helpful for both mother and daughter. Another exercise which helped me through my loss was writing. I wrote every day and just allowed the feelings to come up and then put them down on paper. It felt like I was flushing out all the feelings of anger, deep sadness, failure etc. I never reread what I had written I simple crumpled up the paper and threw it away. After you have shared some of your feelings you can ask your older son/daughter if he/she wishes to share. They may not want to but don’t worry about that. Give them time and space. Remember there is no right nor wrong way for grieving.

I have addressed all ages of children and given you some general ideas of what to expect and in doing so you see how it all falls back on the mother and father. It is so important for you to make sure you are taking care of yourselves physically, emotionally and spiritually. Be gentle, patient and loving towards each other. It too shall pass.

There will be a rainbow after the storm.

Children feeling the loss of a sibling (toddler)

On one hand young children are able to bounce right back after hearing that the little brother or sister will not be coming home. They are far more accepting of the cycle of life than most adults. It has been my experience to always answer the kid’s questions with a truthful and simple answer. Death is all part of our daily lives. Maybe a pet has died so this experience can be used to help explain what has happened to the baby who never comes home. How did you deal with this death of your pet? Can you perhaps improve the way you dealt with it as regards talking to your child? Remember keep it simple and truthful.

A client told me how she explained to her 3 year old that his little sibling was living on a star when she was asked where the baby was. This is not a hundred percent true but it is a tangible answer for a three year old to grasp. And in essence the deceased baby’s soul is out there somewhere. This satisfied the youngster who immediately went out to find a star and so every night before going to bed he had to find the star and say goodnight to the little one. The mother paid special attention to her son while he did this and she found doing this activity gave her some joy and relief through her suffering. So children can help parents in the healing process if they pay attention.

On the other hand do not under estimate how much the toddler/child understands or does not understand. If you miss any queues about the child’s lack of understanding of death he or she may bury the pain of death which may then fester until such time this child experiences another death when it will then surface. Rule of thumb pay attention, tell the truth, keep it simple, take queues from your child and notice also how you are dealing with the situation.

The loss of your baby will give you an opportunity to introduce your youngster to the one thing we all know for certain – we will all die and everyone is touched by death throughout life. I remember clearly how my mother helped me at a young age understand death and work through my grief when two of my aunts died. Plus observing how my mother handled her grieving helped me along my journey of better understanding death and dying.

Not important how many months pregnant you are

A friend told me how she had lost two babies, one at only one month and the second at three months. Because her life situations were so different around each pregnancy her healing was different. It took her 2 years to heal after her first loss. She had friends and family to support her for her second loss and so recovered much faster. So we can't assume a short pregnancy is easier to recover from. Please no matter how long or how short your pregnancy was feel free to write your story if you need to.

Is There a Right Way To Grieve?

No, there is really no right or wrong way to grieve. Each person does it in their own way. Plus there is no real time frame for bereavement. For some women, they may grieve along with their partners while others need to find a friend or counselor to share their sorrow with. Don’t be surprised if your own mother does not really understand your pain, especially if she has never experienced the loss of a baby. Weathering this storm alone can make your road to recovery long and very lonely if you have no one to give you an empathetic ear. Friends may not know what to say or perhaps will offer you their sympathy but quickly change the subject. They fear that your pain will stir up their own pain so they will push you away at arm’s length.

There is a rainbow after such a horrific clash of birth and death. Recovery and rebalance will occur. Let me share my road to recovery. For me writing my story down in longhand, letting each and every feeling surface, reliving the whole event, expressing my anger to whoever and putting this all down on paper meant I had gotten it out of my system for that day. I wrote tirelessly not caring about my spelling let alone my grammar or the profanity used. This writing was for no one else to read and I certainly did not read it again, in fact I tore the paper up and threw it away. Each morning I had to almost force myself to do this exercise but I soon found that it got easier. Flushing out all the confusion, anger, “what if?” questions that were going on in my head actually left me feeling better. Slowly the crazy storm within changed to what eventually became a ray of sunlight. I felt there was hope.

I invite you to do same or to find something similar that works for you. Pick up a pencil and draw what you are feeling. Don’t draw realistically, but instead do an abstract drawing. Again in this way you are getting your feelings up and out on paper, but holding onto them.

Walking, swimming or hiking, especially in nature, can be very helpful. Water is cleansing. If you are close to the ocean go swimming.

We know too that telling our stories can be helpful. Please let us hear your story for others to read. You will be reaching out helping a fellow friend heal during her loss as well as assisting yourself along your journey. Sharing is about caring for yourself and others. We are all here feeling each other’s pain and trying to find peace and tranquility. In sharing we are made aware that we are not alone on this unchartered wild ride through pain and suffering. And in the end there will be normality.