Older children suffering the loss.

Young children under the age of seven or so are very open and sensitive to their environment and may even see auras. (different colors around people) So be open and listen to your youngster when he may say that he “saw” the baby who passed. Children also have wonderful imaginations and may create a game involving the deceased sibling. I suggest not encouraging it but rather leave it as is because this may be the child’s way of dealing with their loss. You may ask your child to tell you about the game if you wish.

For older kids they may be confused as what to do or how to feel. And they will turn to you for answers and as a role model. As a parent who is already grieving and suffering it will be hard to be fully present for others. I suggest being natural, letting the tears flow and talking about your sadness to help the older child. I am always in favor of asking the child to draw. You can do this with your child. Draw what you are feeling, draw the family, draw where you think your baby is resting. After drawing ask your child to explain his or her picture. In this way you will get a better idea of how your child is coping. Remember to share your drawing as well. Better still, do this as a family activity, all sharing your thoughts and feelings amongst one another.

A young ten year who is trying to get a grip of death, dying, funerals etc. may throw you off guard and ask if there is going to be a funeral even though the fetus is only 12 weeks or less.

There may be some families where there are young adult children. Young men may look at their fathers for guidance as to how to deal with this loss. Young adult girls who are starting to think about being mothers themselves may really struggle. Being open, talking and sharing whatever feelings come up can be helpful for both mother and daughter. Another exercise which helped me through my loss was writing. I wrote every day and just allowed the feelings to come up and then put them down on paper. It felt like I was flushing out all the feelings of anger, deep sadness, failure etc. I never reread what I had written I simple crumpled up the paper and threw it away. After you have shared some of your feelings you can ask your older son/daughter if he/she wishes to share. They may not want to but don’t worry about that. Give them time and space. Remember there is no right nor wrong way for grieving.

I have addressed all ages of children and given you some general ideas of what to expect and in doing so you see how it all falls back on the mother and father. It is so important for you to make sure you are taking care of yourselves physically, emotionally and spiritually. Be gentle, patient and loving towards each other. It too shall pass.

There will be a rainbow after the storm.